Trần Gia Ly

Đại Học - Arlington, Texas

Tired of being tired
When I was young, I wanted to be a canner. Now, when I grow up, all I want is just to be me.

I still remember my childhood story about a boy with his dream to become a canner. While all of his classmates enthusiastically discussed their dreams to become a policeman, a doctor, an astronaut, or all the fantastic jobs in the world; the boy just quietly said, “I want to be a canner”. The words have stuck in my mind ever since. At that time, I decided that I want to be a canner.

I started to work my ways to become a canner, and I kept my life to the principle that I would be able to do everything I put my mind to, and to live up to other people’ expectations for me.

I was born in a working class family; thus, poverty was also a great motivation for me to work hard in life, not only to better myself, but also to take care of my beloved family. I was well-brought up so far many thanks to them; therefore, I always remind me not to disappoint my family. This principle was well-proved through my time at school. I buried my head and got involved in community services and spent much time working with people, especially the children.

In any classes I finished, I usually got good recommendations from teachers. Teachers are fond of diligent and well-behaved students; I’m always the one who participates a lot in class and meet every deadline. To name a few, I graduated high school with outstanding results and finished my first year at college in the honor list. I got a scholarship to Cambridge, England and was able to fulfill my dream to visit Big Ben and London Eye. I then earned a full scholarship to Georgia College and State University in America. I became well-respected among my peers. I’m polite and kind to friends, so they didn’t dislike me, but they weren’t close to me either. Therefore, I ended up not having many close friends.

Most of the time, people see me as a nodding machine, as I didn’t usually turn down any people’s requests for help, and I hardly say no to anything. I guess I try a lot to please people because I’m afraid of disappointing them.

At work, I performed really well. I seemed to be always on the run; engaged and focused much more than my colleagues. I tried to show the boss that I’m a can-do type person. Neither did I misbehave and lose my temper in front of people. I always try to hide my anger, even when I’m really angry; still I keep a face as if nothing really happen. I don’t want people to think bad about me. Sometimes, these thoughts make me feel like a burden. However at that time, I didn’t really care that much about what I feel, I just try to make my family proud of me, and people can think highly of me; so I kept on working hard - the more the better, the better the best.

Sometimes I’m not happy. Sometimes I’m tired of trying to live up to people’s expectations. It’s hard to remember the last time I have had fun with friends. Because I am always squeezed for time, I’ve limited time for entertainment and to hang out with friends. I maybe loud in class discussions but out of class, I used to have invisible distances with friends.

We don’t have many common things to share with each other, and they didn’t find any fun in a walking sack of “keep studying and studying” like me. While they are crazily fond of movies, hot news about actors and actresses; I have no idea of the name of the actors, actresses or any popular music bands.

All my life was involved in working and self-achieving. I hardly enjoyed the party and when everyone was cheering, I was just really silent. Sometimes I feel really jealous of their flexible and enjoyable life, while mine is all about school and work. I found myself really awkward to begin a conversation. I’m always afraid that they may find me boring. Several times I feel the conversation was left unanswered in the middle because we have no idea what to talk about next. This experience makes me feel unconfident; thus, I opt for being silent. It is just that I don’t fit in the term of “entertainment”.

Up until then, the whole point of my life is just to live up to others’ expectation, try to be the person they want me to be. I never tell others how blank and plain I feel about me, because this will mean that I’m a failure. This is impossible because a canner isn’t supposed to have any failure. So, I always try to hide this deepest and utmost wish to have funs with friends and also to have a true friend to count on.

The turning point of my life is when I went to college, and I met Nhu, who later has become my best friend. She was the first one who didn’t see me like the way others do, and she can notice the blank and tired look deep in my eyes.

My life was looking up since I made friends with her. I got a friend, a wonderful one that I feel grateful for life to let me know her. We trust each other and share our joys and sorrows. She’s taught me how to value myself and how to believe in myself. She helps me to overcome the shadow of my life, and listen to my heart and how to be who I am, not who people think I am. I’m always afraid about what people think about me, but she showed me that people loved you because of who you are. She comes to my rescue and helps me to be more honest to the real person inside me. This is a dramatic change in my life.

I’m tired of living double faced just to fulfill other’s expectations; now all I want is just to be me. I feel much relief now when I can know clearly that who am I and where I am. I find peace when thinking of my life ahead without a shadow that used to haunt me. Never have I had a great desire to open my heart and talk to people. I wished I had been more opened, but “too late than never”, I’m still young and I believe now that I can always change myself and start to make my life better. I dreamt once to become a nurse.

Chances are that I’m diligent, smart and I love to work with people. Being a nurse can definitely give me chances to be involved in community and help sick people. However, the difficulty is that in this whole new world- America, as an international student, being fluent in daily English conversation is still a hard obstacle that I need to overcome, let alone scientific terms in nursing path which I haven’t been in the least familiar with. Also, as a Vietnamese, with small figure, it’ll be unquestionably hard for me compared with the other American students, especially when this job requires much of great endurance.

Difficult and competitive as it may be, but I believe in a saying that “when the going gets tough, the tough gets going”, so if I keep trying and trying; it will have a way for me to get on. Still, it’s a long way but I’m coming there. Now, I believe in my heart’s calling. Some people may discourage me about this tough career, but people can think whatever they want to, I have a goal and I do it. Life will be good when you know where you are and which direction are you heading to, then the rest of the thing is just to try and work your way to it.

My plans and targets are clear. Being chosen for the Nguyen Thai Hoc scholarship would be a great encouragement for me. Surely, it will not only support me in financial matters, but most important, the examiners are reading my thoughts, and I may have another supporter that listens to my feelings.

I dedicated this essay to my best friend who always stands by me. If she ever reads these lines, just so she knows, I love her so much.